Bacon Roll Sunburst

"Here comes the sun (little darling)..."

Well, now.  What do we have here?  Could it be a recipe featuring that most magical of ingredients... BACON?

Metapost: This is why I can't have nice things!

You Guys! 
 
I've been a total slacker and I'm really, really, really sorry!  I've got (seriously!) 3 recipe posts lined up in my drafts folder that I just haven't been motivated to get my ass in gear and finish.  I never wanted to be one of those bloggers that only posts to say how horrible they feel for not posting more often, but... yeah.  

I'm a bit of a chronic procrastinator with a strong perfectionist streak.  I'll have a great idea, and I'll start something, but then I'll think, "Hmmm... this is good, but I could make it BETTER!"  But then I'll be a little bit unsure of how to actually make it better, and I'll delay my editing/ improvements, hoping for inspiration.  And the longer I drag it out, the better I feel the end product needs to be in order to justify the delay, and the draft folder ends up making me feel anxious and guilty every time I see it, like a wilting and neglected houseplant.

Anyhow, I've done all my Christmas shopping, work is lighter this week, and I'm all out of excuses.  I want to try to post all three of my recipes at some point this week. And then next week, hopefully, I will be an Actual Blogging Dynamo and post a few humorous pictures from my Collection O' Cookbooks.  That's the plan.

For those of you that have been patient enough to keep checking in, in spite of my various neuroses, thank you.  I'm trying to improve.

PS-  The very observant among you may notice I've been tinkering with some of the fonts and layouts. (You know, instead of actually completing a post.)  What do you think? 

Tuna Treat

"Treat"

Hello again, my internets! It has been about a month since the last post and I missed you beyond measure. Let's never be apart again! In all seriousness, I had a bunch of other (boring) stuff going on this month, but I should be back to my semi-regular weekly posting schedule now.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering about the delightful creation in the picture above, aren't you? The cookbook calls this recipe Tuna Treat, but I keep feeling like I should put the word treat in quotation marks... like this: Tuna "Treat". That's better.

Blue Cheese - Cottage Cheese Molds

For my third entry in my Season of Jellied Things theme, I present to you Blue Cheese - Cottage Cheese Molds!  Now, I love blue cheese.  And when I say I love blue cheese, I mean it in a so-why-don't-you-marry-blue-cheese sort of way.  Except I'm already married to a human guy, and I haven't quite figured out how a cheese/lady/guy style of polyandry would work.   

Now where was I?  Oh yes... I love blue cheese, but I realize that many of you folks out there get violently ill at the very thought of it.  My response to this is usually an emphatic, "Haters gonna hate," but since the recipes in this blog are meant to gross people out a bit, I think I'll use your misguided blue cheese hatred to my advantage.

Pacific Lime Mold

So, what makes this "Pacific" exactly?  The green colour?

Welcome to the second entry in my Season of Jellied Things series.  The Pacific Lime Mold is another recipe from Betty Crocker's New Good and Easy Cook Book (published 1962).  There was no picture  of the finished product in the cookbook, so I was a little perplexed about what made this lime mold "Pacific", per se.  Does the lime Jell-O take on the colour of the ocean when combined with the mayonnaise and other ingredients?  Or is it more of a [pineapple = tropical = Pacific] sort of equation? Oooo... venturing into unknown territory!  Here there be dragons!

Tangy Tomato Aspic

Doesn't that look irresistible?  No, wait... What's the opposite of that?

I chose a tomato aspic recipe for the first instalment of my Season of Jellied Things.  

As soon as I started this blog back in July, several people told me I should do a tomato aspic, so this must be a fairly well known weird food.  I just think jellied foods are weird in general!  And as someone who grew up with a dog as a pet - a dog that ate canned dog food -  I am inherently suspicious of any food item that makes a shhhloooup noise when it releases from its upturned container.  (Dog owners know the sound I am referring to.)

But the picture in the Betty Crocker Good and Easy Cookbook was just too delightfully awful not to do it.  How could I resist?

Metapost: I Don't Think You're Ready For This Jelly...

Ahem.  I was thinking that for the autumnal season, I should have a theme.  I mean, an additional theme on top of the Vintage Recipe theme and the Bad Cooking theme.   And what says Fail Fall more than jelly-moulded foodstuffs?  Nothing does! (Ok... probably lots of things say Fall more than gelatinized foods, but I'm going to pretend they don't exist for now.)


There are so many jelly salads and aspics in my recipe books, it would make your head spin!  So, for the next few weeks I'm going to showcase a different jelly-moulded something every week until the end of fall or until I get distracted by something shiny... whichever comes first.  I hope you're just as horrified and delighted by the prospect as I am!


Watch for my first one tomorrow!

Fluffernutter Sandwich

Don't adjust your monitor settings...
I was experimenting with the "antique" filter in iPhoto.

Mini food post!!!  This is one of those foods that is more on the kitschy side of my Venn diagram than the disgusting side, but (as with most things on interweb, and in life) your mileage may vary.

Cookbook Art: The Health Value of Bee Hive Corn Syrup

So, I'd just like to start by apologising for not posting on the weekend... or on Monday... or Tuesday.  I was attending to family issues out of town on the weekend, still exhausted by Monday, then it was grocery shopping after work yesterday.  Not that you should care.  I just like to post a tidbit of awesome cookbook art when I haven't been on-the-ball enough to do a proper recipe like a good little blogger.

So, without further ado, this is the centerfold of the Budget Recipes For Every Day of the Year cooking guide from Bee Hive Brand Corn Syrup and the St. Lawrence Starch Co.  (There is no date on this pamphlet, but I'd estimate early 1960's).

Ok... let me tell you all the things I love about this image:

Savory Meat Loaf

Care for a slice of heart attack?

Uhgggh... there is just soooo much wrong with this dish, I hardly know where to start...  It is a solid brick of greasy meat with a surprising (and not in a good way) core of hard boiled eggs. I have so many questions... Why??? Why does this exist?  For the love of god, why are there hard-boiled eggs in the middle of this culinary monstrosity? What sort of sick joke was the Homemakers Research Institute pulling on humanity?  Were heart attacks not a cause for concern in the the 1960's?  When a person dropped dead with blocked arteries at 41, was that considered a full lifespan instead of a cautionary tale? 

Cover Art: Tasty Table Treats

This is the cover artwork of the Tasty Table Treats cookbook, published in 1947 by Southern Publishing Association:

"Darling, I baked you a pie!  It's made of concentrated nightmares!"

Oh god.  I am afraid of this woman.  She really creeps me out with that psychotic leer.  And the room looks all dark, like she's baking pies at night... in the dark... with her hair perfectly coiffed. Also, the background is at an off-kilter angle, which is cinematic code for waking up tied to a chair.  Your head hurts and the room is spinning.  Did you hit your head?  Were you drugged?  Why are you tied to this chair?  Why is there a wadded-up oven mitt stuffed in your mouth? The room is dark except for the glow of the oven light.  A strange woman enters the room, takes a pie out of the oven, and grins at you. 

We've all been there!  Amiright?  But who wants to relive that horror?  I mean, that was the frickin' worst meringue I ever ate!

Baked Mushroom Noodle Ring

Ok.  Do you see the picture from the cookbook?  You can see why I'd want to make this, right?  I mean, it's noodles glued together into a moulded ring and a pool of mushroom sauce in the center.  It's a bundt cake of noodles!

The Original

Unfortunately, mine did not turn out as nicely as the one in the cookbook...

Happy (late) Labour Day!

So yesterday was Labour Day (labour has a "u" in it when you're Canadian... cuz that's how we roll), and I didn't post all weekend because I was in Victoria visiting with my family and the husband's family.  It was a fun weekend, but the logistics of fitting in all the visits with all of our various family members was as much as I could manage.  Also I have strep throat, which is considerably less fun.


I know all of you are probably getting twitchy from missing your weekly fix of cookbook-related absurdity and sass.  Don't worry.  I won't leave you hanging!  Remember how I mentioned a cookbook called His Turn To Cook in last week's post?

So, check out that red-faced Ken doll guy who is clearly in the throes of some sort of intense meatgasm. I mean, we can clearly see where both of his girlfriend's hands are, so I guess he just really likes skewering meat. Welp... Rule 34, guys. 

Anyhow, if I'm feeling up to it, I may post a mid-week recipe. Thanks for being patient.

Saucy Fish Pie

Under the sea...

I thought this would be a really fun recipe.  There is a black and white picture of the Saucy Fish Pie in the cookbook, and it looked so cute with the piped potato outline and the little olive slice bubbles.  When you think about it, what we've got here is fish that's been cooked, flaked, suspended in a sauce, and then poured into the shape of a fish.  It's fish in disguise... as fish!  There's something endearing about that!

Metapost: Changing things up!

So, I've been thinking...
I originally set out to bring to light the terrible recipes that have made it past cooks, test-kitchens, and editors, and have somehow - inexplicably - been published for mass consumption.  I still want to do this!  BUT... there are so many other wonderfully weird recipes that I have found!  They might not have the intrinsic awfulness of the ham-banana rolls or the pickle-peanut butter-egg spread, but they've got oodles of kitsch appeal!  I want to share these recipes with you, too!


All this is to say, I'm expanding my horizons a little.  I think there's plenty of room for retro-kitsch next to the retro-awful in this blog... in fact, there's probably significant overlap in that Venn diagram!

Curried Tuna and Peas

Why don't you taste it first?

I'm not sure if I broke my own rules this week, because when I selected this recipe, I wasn't sure if this would be awful, per se, but there are elements here that are consistent with many of the mid-century dishes I've come across, so I thought it would be fun anyway. 

Mock Pâté de Foie Gras Spread

Here, kitty...

When I saw the first ingredient for this recipe, I cringed.  Chicken livers???  Ewwwww... sick!  But then the second ingredient is bacon, and bacon has the near-supernatural ability to improve anything it touches. So, I thought to myself, this could either taste utterly grotesque, or it could be kind of good.

Wine-Cheese Spread

Actually, it's probably wise to avoid open flames with this recipe...

So picture this:  it's the weekend and you're hosting a fancy-pants wine and cheese party for all of your sophisticated and worldly friends.  In one evening, you're going to discuss How Things Are Done In France, the state of print media, and whether or not Coltrane's earlier music was more challenging than his later stuff.  This is a full agenda, my friends!  On top of all this, you've got to come up with an impressive appetizer to wow those classy, urbanite friends of yours.  And when you think of Classy Appetizers™ to make for your fancy-pants wine and cheese parties, what are the first ingredients that come to mind?  That's right: American cheese and cooking sherry!

Molasses Shake

The gingerbread man had a rough night.
He's not feeling like himself.

Have you ever lain awake on a hot summer night, unable to sleep because you keep asking yourself, as you fitfully toss and turn, "What would a milkshake made out of molasses taste like?"  Oh, you haven't?  Me neither.  But just in case this is the sort of deep question that haunts your thoughts in the humid dark, I'm here to bring you all the answers.

Peachy Frosteds

I've got a summertime treat straight out of the 70's for you this week!   Check out the attention to detail in this photo of Peachy Frosteds from "Ceil Dyer's Coffee Cookery", published in 1978.  The themed napkins!  The wicker cup holders!  The rough volcanic rocks in the background, like this is the frickin' Playboy Grotto!  I love it!

♫If you like drinking Peachy Frosteds, 
And being surprised by precipitation♫...

Ok, this didn't taste very refreshing, but it wasn't as bad as I originally thought it would be.  I had predicted after my first reading of this recipe that this would taste like a Cough-syrup Colada.  Well, I am woman enough to admit that it doesn't... but I still wouldn't make it a second time.  The peaches are the primary flavour here, and since the recipe calls for canned peaches in syrup, there is a cloying aspect to them that I don't care for.  The recipe could be improved by substituting fresh peaches.  The instant coffee gives the drink a slightly bitter aftertaste, but I don't find that this flavour compliments or balances the peaches... they just compete.  Using a coffee liqueur instead of instant coffee would have added to the overall sweetness of the beverage, but the tastes would blend together a bit better.  I thought this would turn out thicker, with the blended peaches and the ice cream adding texture, but it is actually quite thin and frothy.  I would have enjoyed it more if it was a little thicker ("That's what she said!").  Crushed ice blended in would have done the trick. 

Now, that's just my humble opinion of the Peachy Frosteds.  To see its true potential for disaster, you need to combine questionable food choices with questionable personal choices.  And for that, we must turn to MWSBET Fan Fiction Theatre! (Warning: Probably not appropriate for children!)

Metapost: Judging A Cookbook By Its Cover

I'm heading out of town this weekend, so I won't be posting a recipe.  I know this is a huge disappointment to my vast and loyal fanbase, but so it goes and whatnot.   I don't want to leave you guys pining away for me, though, so I've got a vintage cookbook cover for you to ponder in my absence.


Dudes and Ladies, kindly direct your gaze to the bottom left corner...

Is that...is that slices of avocado floating in cups of tea?!?!   I've looked through the recipes in this book and can't figure out what recipe this picture is supposed to be.  If anyone has any idea what that is, post it in the comments section.  I will judge the best/funniest comment on Friday, July 23rd.  The winner will receive a shiny "FTW" award* and the runner-up will receive the ever-so-slightly less shiny "WTF" award*.


That's all I've got!  See you next week!


*Legal boilerplate and such:  These awards only exist on the internets, but you'll totally have the satisfaction of knowing your comment is the very bestest of them all.
******************************************************
July 24, 2010 - UPDATE: No comments, No Winner!  :-(
Okay, I think maybe I've jumped the gun a little bit here.  Maybe I shouldn't attempt a comment contest until I've been around for more than a few weeks and accumulated a larger following.  Or any following.  Oh well.   When I consider the number of websites and blogs where I lurk and never comment, this isn't so surprising.  Anyhow, to all 3 of my loyal, but painfully shy readers, I say this:  feel free to comment on the site any time you wish!  I promise to reserve all of my mockery and snark for the terrible food I'm making and not unleash it upon your comments!

Pickle-Peanut Butter-Egg Spread

Um... in what world do hard-boiled eggs and peanut butter work together?

I've been pretty drained by the heat this week, so this is a short post and a short recipe...

Ham Banana Rolls with Cheese Sauce

I don't want to know what Freud would say about this dish...

When I started looking through my recipe books, I knew I'd have to try this one.  Surely, no one would dare to combine ham, mustard, bananas, and cheese into one oddly phallic appetizer unless it was secretly delicious, right?  Surely the Homemakers Research Institute would not be so cruel!  

Introduction

Hi Folks!  Welcome to my blog.

Over the years, I have inherited a few vintage cookbooks. While many of the recipes contained within these cookbooks look tasty and perfectly normal, there are a surprising number of recipes that look truly bad. And when I say bad, I mean spectacularly bad. Like a trainwreck on a plate. While most people would have the good sense to shy away from such culinary disasters, I do not.

So, this is what I'm going to do: I am going to cook one of these recipes each week. I'm going to take pictures of the finished product. I'm going tell you how it tastes so YOU don't have to subject yourself to the horror.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading about my adventures. And hopefully, as is often the case with figurative trainwrecks, you won't be able to look away!