Zesty Egg Spread

This post was originally published on Valentine's Day in Persephone Magazine. Reprinted with permission.

This image is presented in Soap Opera Vision for the romance impaired.

Ah, Valentine's Day... a day when winged babies armed with bows and arrows are flying around in the sky, maiming people at will. Romance is in the air! But what to eat? There are many foods traditionally associated with pitching woo, but sometimes you want to try something new. Something zesty...

Tuna Treat

"Treat"

Hello again, my internets! It has been about a month since the last post and I missed you beyond measure. Let's never be apart again! In all seriousness, I had a bunch of other (boring) stuff going on this month, but I should be back to my semi-regular weekly posting schedule now.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering about the delightful creation in the picture above, aren't you? The cookbook calls this recipe Tuna Treat, but I keep feeling like I should put the word treat in quotation marks... like this: Tuna "Treat". That's better.

Blue Cheese - Cottage Cheese Molds

For my third entry in my Season of Jellied Things theme, I present to you Blue Cheese - Cottage Cheese Molds!  Now, I love blue cheese.  And when I say I love blue cheese, I mean it in a so-why-don't-you-marry-blue-cheese sort of way.  Except I'm already married to a human guy, and I haven't quite figured out how a cheese/lady/guy style of polyandry would work.   

Now where was I?  Oh yes... I love blue cheese, but I realize that many of you folks out there get violently ill at the very thought of it.  My response to this is usually an emphatic, "Haters gonna hate," but since the recipes in this blog are meant to gross people out a bit, I think I'll use your misguided blue cheese hatred to my advantage.

Savory Meat Loaf

Care for a slice of heart attack?

Uhgggh... there is just soooo much wrong with this dish, I hardly know where to start...  It is a solid brick of greasy meat with a surprising (and not in a good way) core of hard boiled eggs. I have so many questions... Why??? Why does this exist?  For the love of god, why are there hard-boiled eggs in the middle of this culinary monstrosity? What sort of sick joke was the Homemakers Research Institute pulling on humanity?  Were heart attacks not a cause for concern in the the 1960's?  When a person dropped dead with blocked arteries at 41, was that considered a full lifespan instead of a cautionary tale? 

Mock Pâté de Foie Gras Spread

Here, kitty...

When I saw the first ingredient for this recipe, I cringed.  Chicken livers???  Ewwwww... sick!  But then the second ingredient is bacon, and bacon has the near-supernatural ability to improve anything it touches. So, I thought to myself, this could either taste utterly grotesque, or it could be kind of good.

Wine-Cheese Spread

Actually, it's probably wise to avoid open flames with this recipe...

So picture this:  it's the weekend and you're hosting a fancy-pants wine and cheese party for all of your sophisticated and worldly friends.  In one evening, you're going to discuss How Things Are Done In France, the state of print media, and whether or not Coltrane's earlier music was more challenging than his later stuff.  This is a full agenda, my friends!  On top of all this, you've got to come up with an impressive appetizer to wow those classy, urbanite friends of yours.  And when you think of Classy Appetizers™ to make for your fancy-pants wine and cheese parties, what are the first ingredients that come to mind?  That's right: American cheese and cooking sherry!

Molasses Shake

The gingerbread man had a rough night.
He's not feeling like himself.

Have you ever lain awake on a hot summer night, unable to sleep because you keep asking yourself, as you fitfully toss and turn, "What would a milkshake made out of molasses taste like?"  Oh, you haven't?  Me neither.  But just in case this is the sort of deep question that haunts your thoughts in the humid dark, I'm here to bring you all the answers.

Pickle-Peanut Butter-Egg Spread

Um... in what world do hard-boiled eggs and peanut butter work together?

I've been pretty drained by the heat this week, so this is a short post and a short recipe...

Ham Banana Rolls with Cheese Sauce

I don't want to know what Freud would say about this dish...

When I started looking through my recipe books, I knew I'd have to try this one.  Surely, no one would dare to combine ham, mustard, bananas, and cheese into one oddly phallic appetizer unless it was secretly delicious, right?  Surely the Homemakers Research Institute would not be so cruel!